Drop Every Fear

i absolutely hate having a conversation about if i like you or something. that scares me because then i’m in a vulnerable position. i just can’t keep up with you any more. i do not know where i am, and i do not have enough guts to confront you about it. i can’t do it any more. if you do not consider me as one of your good friends, i’m really running out of energy. sometimes you are so rude and such an asshole to me that i feel like i do not deserve it. i’m so tired. 

you drive me crazy half the time; the other half i’m only trying to let you know that what i feel is true 

new york city is so loud. and i used to think i grew up in a city. 

okay now that i analyzed and criticized my thought process everything makes sense now. i wanted a best friend. i wanted you to be that best friend. i wanted you to be that best friend done right. but oops. i guess i was wrong about how much you cared about me because you clearly didn’t. my bad. 

i also have trust issues - well that came out of nowhere. but yeah, the point is i don’t know if i could trust you as much as i hoped. you didn’t want me to be your best friend so here we are. as the thousandth time i’ve told myself - sweetie, back off now because you have too high expectations and that’s only gonna hurt you. 

so i am hurt. it’s bad that i couldn’t tell you that because that’s just the person i am. 

oh well i will get over it. this is how i am finishing this post because i got distracted. peace. 

i’m kinda scared of being by myself, as in in the long run. or right now. like what if i don’t have the ability to attract someone enough for him to stay with me. like what if i have to get a puppy or 20 cats and become the weird cat lady? I sincerely hope that never happens - like ever. 

sometimes i hate that you only talk to me when you’re bored. and then you don’t answer my chats. and i get frustrated. and it’s tough over the summer because i can’t ask if you wanna do homework together slash i don’t see you every day during the week. and i have been wondering if this is gonna go on next semester because we won’t be living next door to each other. it seems like naturally i lack the ability to make/keep friends, and you are one that i’d like to keep. ergo i’m trying the best i can here but i can’t really do anything if i don’t get a response. or maybe is that your stand? but seriously, i’m running of energy here. 

on a side note i need to get a grip on the behavior of the drunk me. 

one last minute prayer… 

A in financial 

at least B+ in Info Systems 

at least A- in tax 

that’s all i’m asking for baby 

not that anyone cares 

because you weren’t there when i was scared, i was so alone. 

1). Be happy about what you have. Don’t simply just want what you don’t have. 

2). I need to stop doing this. I can’t always worry about what you think. PS what do you think anyways? Every time I drain myself out thinking something is wrong, turned out you were either drinking or with your other friends. Guess I’m just not that important to you now, am I? 

3). cinco de mayo motherfucker. 

4). this semester is almost over. i can almost feel it. 

this is what you need to do - you take a deep breath, and then walk pass that door. people come and people leave. face it. embrace it. let them go.